I sit back and reflect to last year around this time and how incredibly depressing it was not knowing if I would ever be granted the wish of being a mother. In that moment the emotions were so real. So unfiltered and raw. I wanted nothing more in this life than to be a mom. I didn't have a preference on sex or hair color I just wanted to be able to experience the joys of motherhood. I longed for long sleepless nights, poopy diapers and fussy babies and didn't mind a little spit up as well. This holiday has always been incredibly hard for me more so the last few years especially once I knew I was where I was supposed to be in my relationship. It's not a secret that I have longed for a child since I was a little girl. I had many of opportunity's in my younger days to at least try for a child but knew that situation was not right and I didn't want to share my child in a split home.
I know now that my life has been mapped out from the beginning of my existence and I received the greatest blessing of all. She was hand picked for us no differently than if we would have created her ourselves. This year I celebrate my first year as a mother on mother's day. It's a lot less depressing this year as is every day. Even though I have only been her mommy for a little over four months she has left little footprints on my heart. It's hard to explain the love you have for your child. No matter if that child was biologically created by you or not. These last four months have been stressful and scary at times but as each day passes I get more confident in my ability to be her mother. I stress a little less when she coughs or sneezes and am trying to teach myself that having a clean house everyday of the week is not all it's cracked up to be anyways. Even though my OCD disagrees. Haha I miss the months that have already passed but love the months that are to come. Every stage of her life brings something new and exciting. From the first time she recognizes you to the first time she searches for your voice to even now when she lays her head down on my chest after being away all day. Falling asleep in my arms and fighting sleep till her mommy can rock her to sleep. I never thought that I could act a complete fool out in public with more than one person looking at me crazy but if that's what it takes to stop a complete meltdown then I plan to rock that ability. She is the only one that loves to hear me sing even though I don't know the words to most of the songs and only know a line here and there so we mix several all together. But none the less she loves to hear them. Picking her up at the end of the day and seeing her face light up when she hears your voice that's the moments I live for. Watching her learn and grow everyday. I cherish these moments and every new stage of her life cause one day she won't want to be cuddled so tightly or sung to in public. She will slowly start wanting more independence. When people tell you it goes by SO fast there is no way to explain how fast it really does go by. Cherish every moment. I now understand the love a mother has for her child. It's so unconditional and selfless. I can now understand the love my mother has for her children and my friends for their children. I will enjoy this Mothers Day like I enjoy everyday I get to spend with our little peanut. So blessed to call her ours and so blessed to be her mommy. My first Mother's Day as a mommy funny thing is I feel like every day is Mother's Day. Reading my post from last year on Mother's Day makes this one so the more special. So glad I was chosen to be her mommy. Happy Mother's Day mommies.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
HOW DID WE GET SO LUCKY!
We both have sat back and reflected a lot over the last three months on how did we get to be so lucky. When we started the journey to adoption I was really scared of the unknown. I constantly worried would or could I be the ideal "perfect person" for a woman or couple to choose us. What if they didn't like us? What if nobody liked us? What if we put are heart and soul into growing our family through adoption and then never to be chosen. Would they like are house? The neighborhood we lived in? What if we said something that offended them even though we never meant to. When you make the decision to have a child you don't think about the things that an adoptive couple constantly beats themselves up with. You think about whether or not you can afford a child and will your child be healthy. We consider these options too but its so much more complex. We beat ourselves up daily especially if we get a call from a woman that considered us and something makes it fall through. Then we beat ourselves up on what we could have done differently. We rely solely on someone loving us for US and nothing more. Choosing US because we are who we are. Maybe they chose us for superficial reasons and maybe they were lead to us because we share a tiny shred of common ground but its a circle of love that will never be broken for the rest of our lives. But we still rely on being chosen because we are simply who we are. We pray that someone will not judge us because of what we look like or some of the life experiences we have had and just love us for us. When in reality they are hoping the same thing. That we will not place judgment or chastise the decision they made to be so selfless. That we will love them so unconditionally to love their child and raise that child to understand the love that they truly did have for that child. Your relationship with a birth parent(s) does not end when they sign on the dotted line. It's just the beginning. The beginning of something oh so beautiful. It might not always be rosy and full of sunshine. Lines may be crossed that no one even realized were crossed but their is always a common ground that we all cherish and that is a strong relationship that we continue to build on so there is never any question as to the love that this sweet child will always be surrounded with. After waiting for so long to become a mom instead of your child being a burden she becomes a treasure.
As adoptive parents you have to try to look over the infiltrated words that can escape from one persons mouth that has never experienced adoption. I never thought that I would have to explain myself or stand up for two selfless individuals to as many people that just don't get it. Even so that if you don't know me then you don't even get told that she is adopted. Words hurt. Adoption is a beautiful thing. It brought purpose and meaning to my life. It fulfilled my dream of being a mom to a little girl that is surrounded by so much love she will never know any differently. I cant wait to tell her the story of her life. The story of love and sacrifice her birth parents made to make sure she had a life that they had dreamed for her.
We reflect on the fact that those two selfless people could have never reached out to us and we would not have the angel we now call our daughter. We could still be on edge every time the phone rings or someone liked are Iheart adoption page. We could still be waiting and our lives would not have changed so much in the past three months. When the time came to meet the two people that would change our lives forever it came so easy. It was nothing like I expected and I guess you could say that when it feels right it is meant to be. Upon meeting for the first time we spent many hours just getting to know each other. There was none of the anxiety that I had for the whole time leading up to waiting on a contact. The baby and the pregnancy was brought up very seldom and we just got to know them as two loving individuals. We are so thankful our paths crossed. There greatest sorrow became our greatest joy.
Life with Miss B. She couldn't be more perfect. I know everyone thinks their kid is the prettiest smartest and nothing could be more perfect but this couldn't be truer about Miss B. How in the world did we get so lucky. I feel like I hit the lottery everyday. When I see her slowly wake up in the morning and the smile that I get feels like Christmas morning everyday. When the sound of my heartbeat soothes her to sleep I fall in love all over again. Hearing her daddy read her princess stories with her cooing to him makes you wonder How did we get so lucky. Hearing you giggle when we tickle you or just cause we say something that you think is funny will make all that waiting worth it. I cant wait to watch you grow and see you reach milestones that we as your parents help you succeed at. I hate to think of the day that you will go out into the world on your own but I hope that I can help you be the best person you can be. I love you my peanut. Thank you for filling my heart with love I never thought existed. We were meant to cross each others paths and we are so lucky you were chosen to be our daughter.
To the ones that have had their lives touched by adoption I'm sure you can relate to the ones that still wait trust me when I say YOUR child is worth the wait. To the selfless pro-life mothers and fathers out there that chose life for your child especially ours THANK YOU from the depths of my soul for choosing us.
As adoptive parents you have to try to look over the infiltrated words that can escape from one persons mouth that has never experienced adoption. I never thought that I would have to explain myself or stand up for two selfless individuals to as many people that just don't get it. Even so that if you don't know me then you don't even get told that she is adopted. Words hurt. Adoption is a beautiful thing. It brought purpose and meaning to my life. It fulfilled my dream of being a mom to a little girl that is surrounded by so much love she will never know any differently. I cant wait to tell her the story of her life. The story of love and sacrifice her birth parents made to make sure she had a life that they had dreamed for her.
We reflect on the fact that those two selfless people could have never reached out to us and we would not have the angel we now call our daughter. We could still be on edge every time the phone rings or someone liked are Iheart adoption page. We could still be waiting and our lives would not have changed so much in the past three months. When the time came to meet the two people that would change our lives forever it came so easy. It was nothing like I expected and I guess you could say that when it feels right it is meant to be. Upon meeting for the first time we spent many hours just getting to know each other. There was none of the anxiety that I had for the whole time leading up to waiting on a contact. The baby and the pregnancy was brought up very seldom and we just got to know them as two loving individuals. We are so thankful our paths crossed. There greatest sorrow became our greatest joy.
Life with Miss B. She couldn't be more perfect. I know everyone thinks their kid is the prettiest smartest and nothing could be more perfect but this couldn't be truer about Miss B. How in the world did we get so lucky. I feel like I hit the lottery everyday. When I see her slowly wake up in the morning and the smile that I get feels like Christmas morning everyday. When the sound of my heartbeat soothes her to sleep I fall in love all over again. Hearing her daddy read her princess stories with her cooing to him makes you wonder How did we get so lucky. Hearing you giggle when we tickle you or just cause we say something that you think is funny will make all that waiting worth it. I cant wait to watch you grow and see you reach milestones that we as your parents help you succeed at. I hate to think of the day that you will go out into the world on your own but I hope that I can help you be the best person you can be. I love you my peanut. Thank you for filling my heart with love I never thought existed. We were meant to cross each others paths and we are so lucky you were chosen to be our daughter.
To the ones that have had their lives touched by adoption I'm sure you can relate to the ones that still wait trust me when I say YOUR child is worth the wait. To the selfless pro-life mothers and fathers out there that chose life for your child especially ours THANK YOU from the depths of my soul for choosing us.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Our New addition
Our journey to become parents started a little over a year ago. After much thought and deliberation we decided that we wanted to add to our family through adoption. After a lengthy process of tons of paperwork, background checks, physicals and fingerprinting we finally became active on April 15th 2013. Through the process we thought that the paperwork and such was the hardest part of our journey but we soon realized that the waiting would be by far the hardest part. We received several phone calls from perspective birth mothers yet nothing ever seemed right. Either our parenting skills were different or we didn't have any of the same goals going into the future. Turning away a pregnant woman that wanted to choose you was hard but we trusted our gut that god would lead us to the perfect situation for us. Months and months past by and we tried to stay positive and not get to discouraged by the fact that we still wasn't able to match and add to our family.
On Wednesday November 20th at 12:30am (which just so happens to be my grandfather's birthday whom had passed away almost two years prior) we received an email from a couple on our iheart adoption page. Made me think that my grandfather was up there watching out for us and wanted us to have this as much as we did. I was over the moon excited that we had finally been contacted by another couple and was anxious to email them back. I took the whole day to think out my response before I sent them a reply and then hoped that they would like us just by what we had written. They responded and told us they would call us on Friday the 22nd. Friday came and went and we never heard from them. We figured it just wasn't meant to be. On Sunday 24th around 3:30pm we received a phone call from them stating that the would be in our area could they stop by and meet us around 6. Of course I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off to clean the house and actually put real clothes on and not just my pj's. They showed up and stayed for about five and a half hours while we sat around the dinner table and got to know each other. It was a wonderful meeting. We really hit it off and promised to get together soon. We never realized at that time how much our lives were changing. We had our second meeting on Thanksgiving day. We invited them to come share dinner with us and our family. We all had a great time and we fell more in love with them as a couple. The following Monday December 2nd they called the agency and we officially matched with them. She originally had a due date of December 21st but had been given a second due date of December 28th. They spent Christmas Eve with us at my moms house and over the course of the few weeks prior I attended several doctor visits and ER visits. I still remember the first time I walked in the hospital and heard our angels heartbeat. It melted my heart and I couldn't wait for our angel to be here. New years eve they came and spent the evening with us as we had a cookout with tons of fireworks. On January 2nd 2014 the birthmother went to her doctors appointment and they sent her straight to the hospital to be induced. Our angel was born at 9:21p.m. on January 2nd 2014 weighing 8lbs 7oz and was 20 inches long. She is my biggest and best accomplishment. We both couldn't be more in love and today Jan14th she is officially ours. Being a mommy is my greatest joy especially getting to be a mommy to this beautiful little girl. She couldn't be more perfect. So thankful to our birthparents that choose us to parent this angel from above. They will always have a special place in our hearts.
On Wednesday November 20th at 12:30am (which just so happens to be my grandfather's birthday whom had passed away almost two years prior) we received an email from a couple on our iheart adoption page. Made me think that my grandfather was up there watching out for us and wanted us to have this as much as we did. I was over the moon excited that we had finally been contacted by another couple and was anxious to email them back. I took the whole day to think out my response before I sent them a reply and then hoped that they would like us just by what we had written. They responded and told us they would call us on Friday the 22nd. Friday came and went and we never heard from them. We figured it just wasn't meant to be. On Sunday 24th around 3:30pm we received a phone call from them stating that the would be in our area could they stop by and meet us around 6. Of course I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off to clean the house and actually put real clothes on and not just my pj's. They showed up and stayed for about five and a half hours while we sat around the dinner table and got to know each other. It was a wonderful meeting. We really hit it off and promised to get together soon. We never realized at that time how much our lives were changing. We had our second meeting on Thanksgiving day. We invited them to come share dinner with us and our family. We all had a great time and we fell more in love with them as a couple. The following Monday December 2nd they called the agency and we officially matched with them. She originally had a due date of December 21st but had been given a second due date of December 28th. They spent Christmas Eve with us at my moms house and over the course of the few weeks prior I attended several doctor visits and ER visits. I still remember the first time I walked in the hospital and heard our angels heartbeat. It melted my heart and I couldn't wait for our angel to be here. New years eve they came and spent the evening with us as we had a cookout with tons of fireworks. On January 2nd 2014 the birthmother went to her doctors appointment and they sent her straight to the hospital to be induced. Our angel was born at 9:21p.m. on January 2nd 2014 weighing 8lbs 7oz and was 20 inches long. She is my biggest and best accomplishment. We both couldn't be more in love and today Jan14th she is officially ours. Being a mommy is my greatest joy especially getting to be a mommy to this beautiful little girl. She couldn't be more perfect. So thankful to our birthparents that choose us to parent this angel from above. They will always have a special place in our hearts.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Patiently Waiting Mom and Dad!
One of the hardest things we have endured during this adoption process is the waiting! We have officially been active for 7 months and still not one call from a potential match. We are so excited about this journey but sometimes find it hard to not get discouraged as we continue to wait for that call. I guess in some sense it's like being pregnant and waiting that nine months to hold that sweet bundle of joy in your arms except we don't know how long we will be "pregnant" for till we or if we will ever have the opportunity to be mommy and daddy. Emotionally it's a roller coaster ride because our greatest joy comes from someone else's greatest sorrow. So the longer we wait the more I sit back and reflect on the joys I will have when or if that day ever comes.
I have never looked so forward to being sleep deprived. Haha I know that is crazy. I look forward to long nights and early mornings, dirty diapers and endless mounds of laundry, I find myself envious of all my friends that are expecting not jealous just envious that they get an end date. I look forward to the day that I will know what month my future child may be born, what gender my child might be, what his/her biological mom will be like and the joys of getting to know her. Of making sure she feels included in this child's life no matter where life takes us. I know some may say be weary that you don't want to much contact but I feel the opposite. I look forward to the friendship that I hope we can build through our mutual love for the child. I look forward to including her as much as she feels comfortable so this never feels like a loss but more like she gained a whole new family. Like I said my joy is her sorrow. I have learned so much through this process and patience would have to be the biggest. Patience to let go and know that god truly does have control of this. Patience to wait and not know if this is in my cards are not but to still remain hopeful to the end. Patience to stay as positive as I can be no matter how long we have to wait.
I will look back at all this one day and hopefully say to my child this is where your journey to join our family began. That your biological mom choose life and love and only wanted the best life could offer you. I promise to love you and cherish you for always. I promise to guide you and encourage you to be all that you can be. I promise to help you be the person you were meant to be. I promise to teach you diversity and never be scared to set your own path. I promise to give you all that we have to offer. I promise that you will know daily how much you are loved by us as your parents by your extended family and your biological family. I promise to love you for a lifetime and keep you safe happy and healthy.
We pray daily for that phone call that will allow us to be the parents we know we can be. To be able to show so much love to a child that we can call our own. Till then our story starts here with no true beginning as to when we will have more joy in our hearts than we can fathom.
With All Our Love,
Patiently Waiting Mom and Dad!
I have never looked so forward to being sleep deprived. Haha I know that is crazy. I look forward to long nights and early mornings, dirty diapers and endless mounds of laundry, I find myself envious of all my friends that are expecting not jealous just envious that they get an end date. I look forward to the day that I will know what month my future child may be born, what gender my child might be, what his/her biological mom will be like and the joys of getting to know her. Of making sure she feels included in this child's life no matter where life takes us. I know some may say be weary that you don't want to much contact but I feel the opposite. I look forward to the friendship that I hope we can build through our mutual love for the child. I look forward to including her as much as she feels comfortable so this never feels like a loss but more like she gained a whole new family. Like I said my joy is her sorrow. I have learned so much through this process and patience would have to be the biggest. Patience to let go and know that god truly does have control of this. Patience to wait and not know if this is in my cards are not but to still remain hopeful to the end. Patience to stay as positive as I can be no matter how long we have to wait.
I will look back at all this one day and hopefully say to my child this is where your journey to join our family began. That your biological mom choose life and love and only wanted the best life could offer you. I promise to love you and cherish you for always. I promise to guide you and encourage you to be all that you can be. I promise to help you be the person you were meant to be. I promise to teach you diversity and never be scared to set your own path. I promise to give you all that we have to offer. I promise that you will know daily how much you are loved by us as your parents by your extended family and your biological family. I promise to love you for a lifetime and keep you safe happy and healthy.
We pray daily for that phone call that will allow us to be the parents we know we can be. To be able to show so much love to a child that we can call our own. Till then our story starts here with no true beginning as to when we will have more joy in our hearts than we can fathom.
With All Our Love,
Patiently Waiting Mom and Dad!
Friday, June 21, 2013
I loved you before god even made you
I haven't even met you, yet I'm already incredibly in love with you.
I do not know what gender you will be.
Will you be the little girl I always dreamed of.
Or the little boy I always wished for.
I do not know what color hair you may have.
Will it be straight like me and your daddy?
I do not know what shade your eyes will be.
Maybe you will have brown eyes like me or hazel like your dad
but I love you already.
I do not know if you will be short or tall
but I love you already.
I do not know what your personality will be like.
Will you be funny and witty like your dad or shy and reserved like your mom.
I do not know if your first word will be momma or dada.
Will you love sports?
If your a girl will you be a tomboy like me?
Will you love to dance or sing?
I hope to teach you to carve your own path and just be YOU
because I love you already.
I hope to teach you to be everything you can be because you are SPECIAL!
You are the child god hand picked for us.
We just haven't met you yet.
You may not have grown under my heart but in my heart you have always been. And out of all the stuff that I don't know about you YET I do know that I loved you before god even made you.
I do not know what gender you will be.
Will you be the little girl I always dreamed of.
Or the little boy I always wished for.
I do not know what color hair you may have.
Will it be straight like me and your daddy?
I do not know what shade your eyes will be.
Maybe you will have brown eyes like me or hazel like your dad
but I love you already.
I do not know if you will be short or tall
but I love you already.
I do not know what your personality will be like.
Will you be funny and witty like your dad or shy and reserved like your mom.
I do not know if your first word will be momma or dada.
Will you love sports?
If your a girl will you be a tomboy like me?
Will you love to dance or sing?
I hope to teach you to carve your own path and just be YOU
because I love you already.
I hope to teach you to be everything you can be because you are SPECIAL!
You are the child god hand picked for us.
We just haven't met you yet.
You may not have grown under my heart but in my heart you have always been. And out of all the stuff that I don't know about you YET I do know that I loved you before god even made you.
Friday, May 10, 2013
I absoulutly love this article. I did not write it but if you have ever considered bringing a child into your home by adoption or fostering it hits so close to home. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.
Dear Mom of an Adopted Child,
I met you in adoption education class. I met you at the agency. I met you at my son’s school. I met you online. I met you on purpose. I met you by accident.
It doesn’t matter. The thing is, I knew you right away. I recognize the fierce determination. The grit. The fight. Because everything about what you have was a decision, and nothing about what you have was easy. You are the kind of woman who Makes.Things.Happen. After all, you made this happen, this family you have.
Maybe you prayed for it. Maybe you had to convince a partner it was the right thing. Maybe you did it alone. Maybe people told you to just be happy with what you had before. Maybe someone told you it simply wasn’t in God’s plans for you to have a child, this child whose hair you now brush lightly from his face. Maybe someone warned you about what happened to their cousin’s neighbor’s friend. Maybe you ignored them.
Maybe you planned for it for years. Maybe an opportunity dropped into your lap. Maybe you depleted your life-savings for it. Maybe it was not your first choice. But maybe it was.
Regardless, I know you. And I see how you hold on so tight. Sometimes too tight. Because that’s what we do, isn’t it?
I know about all those books you read back then. The ones everyone reads about sleep patterns and cloth versus disposable, yes, but the extra ones, too. About dealing with attachment disorders, breast milk banks, babies born addicted to alcohol, cocaine, meth. About cognitive delays, language deficiencies. About counseling support services, tax and insurance issues, open adoption pros and cons, legal rights.
I know about the fingerprinting, the background checks, the credit reports, the interviews, the references. I know about the classes, so many classes. I know the frustration of the never-ending paperwork. The hours of going over finances, of having garage sales and bake sales and whatever-it-takes sales to raise money to afford it all.
I know how you never lost sight of what you wanted.
I know about the match call, the soaring of everything inside you to cloud-height, even higher. And then the tucking of that away because, well, these things fall through, you know.
Maybe you told your mother, a few close friends. Maybe you shouted it to the world. Maybe you allowed yourself to decorate a baby’s room, buy a car seat. Maybe you bought a soft blanket, just that one blanket, and held it to your cheek every night.
I know about your home visits. I know about your knuckles, cracked and bleeding, from cleaning every square inch of your home the night before. I know about you burning the coffee cake and trying to fix your mascara before the social worker rang the doorbell.
And I know about the followup visits, when you hadn’t slept in three weeks because the baby had colic. I know how you wanted so badly to show that you had it all together, even though you were back to working more-than-full-time, maybe without maternity leave, without the family and casseroles and welcome-home balloons and plants.
And I’ve seen you in foreign countries, strange lands, staying in dirty hotels, taking weeks away from work, struggling to understand what’s being promised and what’s not. Struggling to offer your love to a little one who is unsettled and afraid. Waiting, wishing, greeting, loving, flying, nesting, coming home.
I’ve seen you down the street at the hospital when a baby was born, trying to figure out where you belong in the scene that’s emerging. I’ve seen your face as you hear a nurse whisper to the birthmother that she doesn’t have to go through with this. I’ve seen you trying so hard to give this birthmother all of your respect and patience and compassion in those moments—while you bite your lip and close your eyes, not knowing if she will change her mind, if this has all been a dream coming to an abrupt end in a sterile environment. Not knowing if this is your time. Not knowing so much.
I’ve seen you look down into a newborn infant’s eyes, wondering if he’s really yours, wondering if you can quiet your mind and good sense long enough to give yourself over completely.
And then, to have the child in your arms, at home, that first night. His little fingers curled around yours. His warm heart beating against yours.
I know that bliss. The perfect, guarded, hopeful bliss.
I also know about you on adoption day. The nerves that morning, the judge, the formality, the relief, the joy. The letting out of a breath maybe you didn’t even know you were holding for months. Months.
I’ve seen you meet your child’s birthparents and grandparents weeks or years down the road. I’ve seen you share your child with strangers who have his nose, his smile … people who love him because he’s one of them. I’ve seen you hold him in the evenings after those visits, when he’s shaken and confused and really just wants a stuffed animal and to rest his head on your shoulder.
I’ve seen you worry when your child brings home a family tree project from school. Or a request to bring in photos of him and his dad, so that the class can compare traits that are passed down, like blue eyes or square chins. I know you worry, because you can protect your child from a lot of things — but you can’t protect him from being different in a world so intent on celebrating sameness.
I’ve seen you at the doctor’s office, filling out medical histories, leaving blanks, question marks, hoping the little blanks don’t turn into big problems later on.
I’ve seen you answer all of the tough questions, the questions that have to do with why, and love, and how much, and where, and who, and how come, mama? How come?
I’ve seen you wonder how you’ll react the first time you hear the dreaded, “You’re not my real mom.” And I’ve seen you smile softly in the face of that question, remaining calm and loving, until you lock yourself in the bathroom and muffle your soft cries with the sound of the shower.
I’ve seen you cringe just a little when someone says your child is lucky to have you. Because you know with all your being it is the other way around.
But most of all, I want you to know that I’ve seen you look into your child’s eyes. And while you will never see a reflection of your own eyes there, you see something that’s just as powerful: A reflection of your complete and unstoppable love for this person who grew in the midst of your tears and laughter, and who, if torn from you, would be like losing yourself.
Kathy Lynn Harris
Dear Mom of an Adopted Child,
I met you in adoption education class. I met you at the agency. I met you at my son’s school. I met you online. I met you on purpose. I met you by accident.
It doesn’t matter. The thing is, I knew you right away. I recognize the fierce determination. The grit. The fight. Because everything about what you have was a decision, and nothing about what you have was easy. You are the kind of woman who Makes.Things.Happen. After all, you made this happen, this family you have.
Maybe you prayed for it. Maybe you had to convince a partner it was the right thing. Maybe you did it alone. Maybe people told you to just be happy with what you had before. Maybe someone told you it simply wasn’t in God’s plans for you to have a child, this child whose hair you now brush lightly from his face. Maybe someone warned you about what happened to their cousin’s neighbor’s friend. Maybe you ignored them.
Maybe you planned for it for years. Maybe an opportunity dropped into your lap. Maybe you depleted your life-savings for it. Maybe it was not your first choice. But maybe it was.
Regardless, I know you. And I see how you hold on so tight. Sometimes too tight. Because that’s what we do, isn’t it?
I know about all those books you read back then. The ones everyone reads about sleep patterns and cloth versus disposable, yes, but the extra ones, too. About dealing with attachment disorders, breast milk banks, babies born addicted to alcohol, cocaine, meth. About cognitive delays, language deficiencies. About counseling support services, tax and insurance issues, open adoption pros and cons, legal rights.
I know about the fingerprinting, the background checks, the credit reports, the interviews, the references. I know about the classes, so many classes. I know the frustration of the never-ending paperwork. The hours of going over finances, of having garage sales and bake sales and whatever-it-takes sales to raise money to afford it all.
I know how you never lost sight of what you wanted.
I know about the match call, the soaring of everything inside you to cloud-height, even higher. And then the tucking of that away because, well, these things fall through, you know.
Maybe you told your mother, a few close friends. Maybe you shouted it to the world. Maybe you allowed yourself to decorate a baby’s room, buy a car seat. Maybe you bought a soft blanket, just that one blanket, and held it to your cheek every night.
I know about your home visits. I know about your knuckles, cracked and bleeding, from cleaning every square inch of your home the night before. I know about you burning the coffee cake and trying to fix your mascara before the social worker rang the doorbell.
And I know about the followup visits, when you hadn’t slept in three weeks because the baby had colic. I know how you wanted so badly to show that you had it all together, even though you were back to working more-than-full-time, maybe without maternity leave, without the family and casseroles and welcome-home balloons and plants.
And I’ve seen you in foreign countries, strange lands, staying in dirty hotels, taking weeks away from work, struggling to understand what’s being promised and what’s not. Struggling to offer your love to a little one who is unsettled and afraid. Waiting, wishing, greeting, loving, flying, nesting, coming home.
I’ve seen you down the street at the hospital when a baby was born, trying to figure out where you belong in the scene that’s emerging. I’ve seen your face as you hear a nurse whisper to the birthmother that she doesn’t have to go through with this. I’ve seen you trying so hard to give this birthmother all of your respect and patience and compassion in those moments—while you bite your lip and close your eyes, not knowing if she will change her mind, if this has all been a dream coming to an abrupt end in a sterile environment. Not knowing if this is your time. Not knowing so much.
I’ve seen you look down into a newborn infant’s eyes, wondering if he’s really yours, wondering if you can quiet your mind and good sense long enough to give yourself over completely.
And then, to have the child in your arms, at home, that first night. His little fingers curled around yours. His warm heart beating against yours.
I know that bliss. The perfect, guarded, hopeful bliss.
I also know about you on adoption day. The nerves that morning, the judge, the formality, the relief, the joy. The letting out of a breath maybe you didn’t even know you were holding for months. Months.
I’ve seen you meet your child’s birthparents and grandparents weeks or years down the road. I’ve seen you share your child with strangers who have his nose, his smile … people who love him because he’s one of them. I’ve seen you hold him in the evenings after those visits, when he’s shaken and confused and really just wants a stuffed animal and to rest his head on your shoulder.
I’ve seen you worry when your child brings home a family tree project from school. Or a request to bring in photos of him and his dad, so that the class can compare traits that are passed down, like blue eyes or square chins. I know you worry, because you can protect your child from a lot of things — but you can’t protect him from being different in a world so intent on celebrating sameness.
I’ve seen you at the doctor’s office, filling out medical histories, leaving blanks, question marks, hoping the little blanks don’t turn into big problems later on.
I’ve seen you answer all of the tough questions, the questions that have to do with why, and love, and how much, and where, and who, and how come, mama? How come?
I’ve seen you wonder how you’ll react the first time you hear the dreaded, “You’re not my real mom.” And I’ve seen you smile softly in the face of that question, remaining calm and loving, until you lock yourself in the bathroom and muffle your soft cries with the sound of the shower.
I’ve seen you cringe just a little when someone says your child is lucky to have you. Because you know with all your being it is the other way around.
But most of all, I want you to know that I’ve seen you look into your child’s eyes. And while you will never see a reflection of your own eyes there, you see something that’s just as powerful: A reflection of your complete and unstoppable love for this person who grew in the midst of your tears and laughter, and who, if torn from you, would be like losing yourself.
Kathy Lynn Harris
Mother's Day
As I prepare my self for another childless mother's day I cannot seem to sit back and reflect on this thing called life and where it's heading. For the first time in my adult child bearing years I am okay with not being a mother YET and being able to celebrate Mother's Day childless. I received an awesome email from a childhood friend that helped bring all this to prospective. She simply stated that she never realized that Mother's Day can be so different for some. That simple statement opened my eyes to the fact that I am not alone. I am not the only one that loves to celebrate my mother for mother's day but also that it is just a kindly reminder that you (I) am not a mom. Without my mother and the love that she shared growing up I simply would not exist. I also have reflected on the facts that there are many people that hurt on Mother's Day for different reason's. Maybe their mother has went on to walk with the lord, or maybe they are mourning the loss of a child or pregnancy that just didn't make it to the end. For these reason I hurt this year. Not because I will go another year and not be a mother but for the ones that hurt for different reason's than me. I know my child is out there. I feel it's presence. I know when the time is right god will show me what I need to do or where I need to be to welcome my child into our loving family. This year I celebrate the decades of women that have been graced with motherhood. My many ancestor's that without the decades of women being mother's we simply would not have a mother's day to celebrate.
I celebrate my mother and am so grateful that she is still here to celebrate the woman that gave me life. You are my rock and my very first best friend. You have always been there to pick up the pieces and dry the tears. You were the one that taught me my first words and walked beside me when I was only learning how to walk. You were always there with afternoon snacks after school and as I got older you were always there when I needed an ear to listen or a pep talk. I know being a mother was not always easy especially with us but I am so thankful GOD choose you to be my mother. I am the woman I am today because of you. I only hope that I have made you proud. You choose life and for that I am thankful. I celebrate my only living grandparent left my Nana. Without my Nana none of this would be possible. So instead of pity this year I feel BLESSED beyond words. I am anxious to share the love I have for my mother to my own child but for now we WAIT. Happy Mother's Day to all the mother's out there. Love on them babies a little more this year for all of us that yearn for what you have and never forget the one's that don't have a mother to celebrate this special day with.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY MOM'S!
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